


If you could turn back time, would you?

by saienti



Series: Would you? [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Tragedy, Character Death, M/M, Mentions of Minhyuk - Freeform, Sad Ending, and i wanted to write some sad shit, and idk what im doing, because I was drunk, dont hade Minhyuk he is a sweetheart irl ok, dont judge me, this is kinda sad, this plot sucked, toxic past relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-17
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:59:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21827095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saienti/pseuds/saienti
Summary: hi hello annyeongok this really sucked but i hope u enjoyed it still ksjssjjasjkaMonbebe fighting!! <3
Relationships: Im Changkyun | I.M/Yoo Kihyun
Series: Would you? [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1654495
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15





	If you could turn back time, would you?

The anniversary.  _ Their  _ anniversary. Kihyun would have never in his wildest nightmares thought this would be how they spent every anniversary.

_ He looked across the room, searching for nothing in particular amongst the thousands of students having taken different classes this year. And suddenly he locked eyes with a boy. A boy with the most captivating eyes he had ever seen. He felt his breath getting caught in his throat, just like in a sappy movie. He scolded himself for being such an overly romantic nerd. Love at first sight was NOT a thing. He learned that the hard way. He thought it was real the way Minhyuk had looked at him, that summer day too many years back. He thought that was love. But ultimately he was a fool, ending up alone sitting on the curb of the empty streets of the outskirts of Seoul. And after that day, he decided he would never, ever, let himself fall victim for such a thing again. Never.  
_ _ But then… he saw his eyes. Eyes that made him wish he didn’t lock himself up in a tower, emotionally unavailable like a god damn Disney Princess. _

He is always taking the same route. Slowly, step by step down the stairs.  _ Their  _ stairs. His and Changkyun’s. They made it their stairs the first night they went home together, like a silly couple in the dumbest of movies.

_ He would never ever dare to get close to that boy, the fear of being hurt still evident in his mind, the poison in his heart still lingering. Even when they kept a distance of several feet, Minhyuk’s venomous words stung his fragile soul, threatening him of a fate he couldn’t dare to go through twice. Minhyuk made sure that he was Kihyun’s first and last love.  
_ _ And it felt fine, all these years alone, until Changkyun showed up. Kihyun really convinced himself he could live alone. Who the hell needs idiotic feelings and people anyways? Not Kihyun. He knew that. Minhyuk taught him that. Minhyuk taught him that by stabbing his pounding heart with a silver dagger, disguised as love. And in some way Kihyun thanked him for that. For letting him realize that nobody was worth trusting, not even yourself or your feelings. _

His steps feel heavy, how could he let himself be so reckless with someone else's feelings? He swore the day Minhyuk broke him, he swore that day that he would never ever make anybody feel the way Minhyuk made Kihyun feel. He would never wanna murder another humans heart the way Minhyuk did with him. Nobody deserved to feel like that. And still, that is exactly what Kihyun did. And he didn’t even realize it. All because of this stupid fear of being the one hurt, again.

_ Time stood still when the dark haired boy approached him, a slight smile tugging at the corners of his lips. Kihyun wanted to feel, he wanted to feel so bad. But he slammed the brakes, hard. He was not worth loving, he would only hurt the people trying to get close to him. Hyungwon was enough. He had been there forever. Kihyun’s inability to love didn’t bother him.  
_ _ “I know you love me. You have always done, you told me daily before you met Minhyuk. Just because he destroyed you, doesn’t mean I will give up on you. I will stay, so you can stop trying to push me away. I won’t leave you. In the end, you will be happy I didn’t, because everybody else did.”  
_ _ The silence was thick, Kihyun felt his eyes prick with tears and he furrowed his brows with an annoyed huff.  
_ _ “Whatever. It’s not my responsibility you don’t have any sense of self worth.” was Kihyun’s answer to Hyungwon, and he felt like drowning himself in cold mud for being so cruel to the only person able to put up with his shit for the past four years.  
_ _ “Now, let yourself have a good night with this boy. I saw you two eyeing each other up and down for way too many minutes during the greetings of the teachers. Don’t let your heavy heart drag him with you, Ki? Promise.” was Hyungwon’s final words before he left Kihyun, all alone with an incoming heartbreak that he was not prepared for. _

Kihyun feels his hand tingle with a familiar sense of warmth, he remembers so clearly the first time Changkyun took his hand and shook it, greeting him with a genuine smile that Kihyun would never deserve.

_ “Hi, my name is Im Changkyun. I’m pretty new around here, I just got back from Boston to study my final years here. I apologize if my Korean is bad, I haven’t practised properly in months. Your beautiful pink hair caught my eye. I hope you don’t feel offended I introduced myself?” the dark haired boy stuttered in an awkward Korean with a shy smile.  
_ _ Kihyun stared at him dumbly, not being able to collect himself. Changkyun’s gaze roamed over Kihyun’s face of a good minute before the older boy found it in himself to answer.  
_ _ “I’m Yoo Kihyun. Your Korean actually sucks. I study photography, last year. I am not the person you want to make friends with.” Kihyun said, voice cold. He hated himself for turning this way, but it was for the best. Minhyuk told him that and Kihyun trusted him beyond all rationality.  
_ _ “What do you mean? A boy with such pretty hair can not possibly be bad news!” the younger giggled with a happy grin that was hard for Kihyun to not reciprocate.  
_ _ “I am not the kind of candy you take me for, baby.” Kihyun said with a short nod, before turning away and searching for his classes. _

During this part of the way, Kihyun usually hates himself. He always thinks about how he warned Changkyun to not get close. Kihyun was bad news, and Changkyun was too precious to be tampered with. His soul felt pure, light and alive. It was everything Kihyun’s soul wasn’t, and Kihyun was afraid his nasty darkness would suffocate the boy with such a fire inside. He tried so hard to keep the younger’s heart away from him, and yet the gross, selfish, possessive part of him couldn’t resist they way Changkyun’s soul was presented on a silver plate for him. And he despised himself for doing this to them.

_ “Hey, Ki… I feel a bit lost.”  
_ _ Changkyun’s deep voice sent shivers down Kihyun’s spine as the faint breath of the younger tickled his neck. He shifted and snapped his head to the left quickly.  
_ _ “Why do you expect me to care? I have enough on my own plate!” he sneered, and felt his heart break when Changkyun looked like a kicked puppy.  
_ _ “I… I am truly sorry. It’s just… I’m still getting back on my Hangeul and you’re sitting next to me in this particular class… I… I am sorry. It won’t happen again.” Changkyun mumbled hastily and looked back down in his papers, quickly scrambling a bit further away from Kihyun. _

It is quite a long path to walk, but Kihyun doesn’t mind. He somehow feels like the hour it takes him to get to their spot is important. He needs to reflect on the many ways things had gone bad between them. He wants to make it up to Changkyun. The least he can do is admitting he was an asshole.

_ “My boy is celebrating his birthday next saturday and all of you bitches better be there or be square!” Jooheon chimed through the hallways of the dorms, putting up ugly posters with Hoseok’s face all plastered over them, accompanied with an obnoxious sized font in a terrifying shade of orange displaying the time and address of the event.  
_ _ “You too, of course!” Jooheon dunked Kihyun’s shoulder harshly and Kihyun almost dropped his laptop.  
_ _ “Why would I wanna go there? I have tons of homework.”  
_ _ “It’s your best friends boyfriends birthday. of course you have to show up for at least an hour!” the joy in Jooheon’s voice sure was contagious and Kihyun offered him a strained smile.  
_ _ “Okay, as long as it’s just an hour.” _

During their anniversary, Kihyun always scolds himself for not staying longer at that party. Even though him and Changkyun left together, there was still so much left to do. And they never caught up on it after that.  
All of these “what if”s plays over and over again, especially on their anniversary. It is driving Kihyun insane. What if he had more time?

_ The fourth shot burned Kihyun’s throat, and he winced at the pain. He was too drunk to care though, in Hoseok’s kitchen downing tequila like there was no tomorrow. Hyungwon on his left side, Hoseok next to Hyungwon and Jooheon furthest at the left. And on Kihyun’s right side was Changkyun. Changkyun with the bright smile and softest dimples, despite going on round five of shots. Changkyun who held Kihyun’s hand steady as Hyungwon poured salt on his thumb, even though Changkyun was way more drunk than Kihyun. Changkyun who insisted he would take care of Kihyun to the best of his abilities despite almost tripping over the second he let Kihyun’s hand go.  
_ _ “Nobody will mess with such a perfect human on my watch!” he loudly exclaimed before he poured the fifth shot down his throat with a goofy smile long before Hoseok even counted them in. _

Kihyun stops, right next to the bench where they shared their first kiss. He caresses the worn down wood, only slight streaks of red still visible. Sitting down, he lets himself fall back into that memory of Changkyun’s soft hands, his whispers and the cold wind around them on that chilly night.

_ “You’re so slow, little hamster!” Changkyun squealed as he reached the bench with Kihyun a few meters behind him.  
_ _ “I am not slow, you’re just running away from me!” Kihyun yelled back, before he finally sat down next to the young boy.  
_ _ Changkyun gave him a sincere look.  
_ _ “Run away? How could I ever want to run away from this dream?”  
_ _ Kihyun blinked, unable to process what the younger just said, and before he could answer, Changkyun was so close to him their noses touched. The cold night made their breaths fog the surrounding air and had Kihyun been sober, he would have pulled away. But Kihyun was seven tequilas and four apple ciders gone in a haze of irresponsibility. And as Changkyun exhaled onto his lips, Kihyun put his hand on the neck of the younger and smashed their lips together like he had been waiting for an eternity to do so. _

The air feel so, so cold and hostile against his lips right now. He chokes on a sob he didn’t know he was holding, and puts his arms around himself. The best thing in his life happened right here, and… and he just… he was too blind to see and too scared to feel.

_ The way their tongues moved together felt like it was meant to be, like they had practised for months. It felt so natural and the sudden realization of what was happening hit Kihyun like a brick wall. Instantly he pulled away.  
_ _ “We… we shouldn’t-” he started, panting heavily. “-I am… I am not what you need. I will destroy you.”  
_ _ Changkyun laughed breathlessly.  
_ _ “I am already ruined, you are just making me remember what it feels like to be alive.” _

If Kihyun had only known. He had no clue what Changkyun meant, and to be honest, how could he have known? He didn’t give a shit about that kid. Kihyun kept his distance because he thought it would be the best for the both of them. Boy, was he wrong. And now he will spend the rest of his life regretting not caring enough about a boy who gave Kihyun everything he never deserved.

_ Tugging on the shirts of each other, not caring about the cold around them, they kissed frantically and Kihyun wondered if this was how it was supposed to feel when you got intimate. Minhyuk always made him feel like he was never enough, everything Kihyun did could be better, needed more practise. The lump in his throat and the knot in his stomach that was always present when he got close to someone after Minhyuk, it was gone right now with Changkyun. For the first time in his life, Kihyun felt like he did something right. Something that another person liked. He felt a pair of shaky hands run down his body, asking for permission to get under his clothes. _

Slowly letting his hands run down his arms, Kihyun wishes intensely that he hadn’t been drunk that night. He often thinks about that when he comes here. Would they had been able to make the best out of their time together? In retrospect Kihyun knew they would have been so happy. But the alcohol brought out a brave side that was nowhere to be seen when Kihyun was sober the next day.

_ Terrified of commitment he hid himself away. He told himself that it was probably just a stupid drunk session that Changkyun did to play with his emotions. Nobody in their right mind would have been interested in Kihyun for real.  
_ _ Kihyun didn’t attend any classes, he told his teachers he was really sick and had to be at home. He got permission to take his tests at home and send them in, and day after day was spent hiding under his blankets. Until that one day. When he got a letter. _

Kihyun pulls the paper out from his pocket, he carries it every day on their anniversary. The letter from Changkyun. And he got it too late to realize he threw everything away. He sometimes feels guilty, selfish and undeserving for still celebrating their anniversary, but when he reads the letter he knows they would be here together if it wasn’t for the inevitable fate Changkyun was assigned.

_ Hi Kihyun.  
_ _ I hope you enjoyed my company at the party last night.  
_ _ I know I did and to me it seems like you did too.  
_ _ I know you’ve been ignoring me for the months we have known each other, and I know why that is. I don’t blame you.  
_ _ I wish we could have gotten more time together than those short drunk hours.  
_ _ I am going to the hospital in a few hours, and it would mean the world to me if you wanted to visit me while I am there. I don’t know when or if I will get out of there this time.  
_ _ I’ve been sick for years in leukemia, and lately it’s been looking pretty bright and I finally got my ass to school and tried to be a normal teenage boy. Studying, partying, falling in love with people who might not be good for me.  
_ _ I’ve been so lonely my whole life but when I saw you, I felt a strong connection to you.  
_ _ When I woke up the morning after the party I felt something was terribly wrong, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that the past months were my last months of freedom. My doctors ran some tests this morning and they said something was very bad.  
_ _ I should be packing but here I am writing a letter to you, hoping that you felt the same connection that I did, haha.  
_ _ I understand if you are not interested in befriending a doomed boy, but if you are, I will write my number down here under the little dragon drawing I made a few days ago.  
_ __ I truly felt something special with you, call me silly or whatever but when you’ve been sick for as long as I have you tend to get a bit spiritual.  
_ I hope I get to see you, Ki.  
_ __ / Kyunnie

**Author's Note:**

> hi hello annyeong  
> ok this really sucked but i hope u enjoyed it still ksjssjjasjka  
> Monbebe fighting!! <3


End file.
